Dare You to Move
What would it feel like to walk off the edge of a cliff? This was a question Tomas Holmstrom often pondered. Would he be nervous, fighting butterflies in his stomach as he took that first and only step? Would he be scared, waiting for the ground to meet him? Or would he feel happy, enjoying the moment of weightlessness, completely free and out of control?
Tomas would never find out, not literally anyway. There were too many people in his life that depended on him for him to try walking off cliffs.
Sometimes, Tomas felt that Nick was a cliff. Nick was certainly made with chiseled, solid beauty. And it would be easy to fall into the depths of his sky blue eyes. But no matter how close Tomas got to Nick, to the edge, he just couldn’t step off.
“What are you afraid of?” Nick had asked once while lying pressed against Tomas in tangled sheets. Tomas hadn’t really known the answer himself. He only knew that once he leapt off, there would be no way to get back. Could he really afford to let himself do that?
When curiosity got the better of him, Tomas would let Nick swing him out over the edge, just to taste what it felt like to have two feet off the ground. It was exhilaration. It was swimming in air. It was stopping time. But always, it ended with Tomas landing back on the ground, firmly on the earth. No, he wasn’t ready to jump yet.
Some nights, Tomas watched Nick sleep. He would trace the flat planes of Nick’s chest, the slope of his neck and the ridges of his cheekbones with brushing fingertips. On those nights, Tomas wondered if all cliffs were so beautiful in the moonlight. On those nights, Tomas would have one foot on the ledge and one hanging over empty space. Teetering back and forth, he knew he had to make a choice soon, walk away or fall, because even the most patient cliff would still become eroded with time.
After every fight, Tomas would go and lock himself in the bathroom. He reasoned that if there was a barrier between him and the edge, it would help keep him from falling. It never eliminated the edge, like Tomas thought it might. Because Nick, no matter how bad the fight, would always knock on the door after a few minutes.
“I love you.”
And Tomas would peer around the barrier, wondering how safe it was to step forward.
“But why?”
Nick would smile, causing Tomas to gain the courage to touch the open air.
“Because you always make me laugh.”
“What if one day, I make you cry?” Because yes, if he jumped, where would the fall take him then?
“Why do you worry about what may never happen?” Nick would respond with almost unbearably simple logic.
Tomas never had an answer for those moments.
Sooner, or maybe later, Tomas would feel that the relationship was coming to an end. After all, he had bound himself to Detroit for the next three years. Nick had expressed interest in going home to Sweden. However, not all endings go as Tomas pictured they would.
“But I thought-“
“Don’t be silly.” Nick’s voice was quiet, content. “I’m not going home now. I have fun here. You’re here.”
“You’d staying for me?”
And Nick smiled, making Tomas step a little closer to him. “I’m not going to get tired, Tomas. I’m not going to stop waiting. I’m not going home until you come with me.”
And Tomas would kiss Nick, softly at first, then harder, and realize this was one choice he would not be able to escape from. He would have to jump or run. And for the first time, he had found a cliff that was worth jumping off of. So he did.
Somehow, finding Nick waiting at the bottom to catch him wasn’t a surprise at all.